When my daughter was born in 2008, I had never held a baby before. I attended the births of nephews, but just smiled gleefully and offered my praise and adoring admiration to the ecstatic new parents.
Luckily, marrying a man with 6 older siblings also means that he knows how babies work because he grew up surrounded by younger nephews and nieces. This did not, however include situations saved exclusively for parents, like training kids to sleep in their own beds without screaming and figuring out how to not murder the cute angels after bath time when they refused to wear pajamas. Those cute faces only go so far before intervention is needed.
While living in Tampa, my company dance director and friend, Maria came to the rescue. Our glowing baby girls were the same age and when Maria registered to try a parenting class for infants, she invited me to attend. RIE, Reasearch for Infants and Educators changed my outlook on parenting, not that I had much opinion to begin with beyond whimsical playtime and affectionate reiteration. https://rie.org/
Here is the gist:
1. There is a mutual respect for parent and child- Good manners, eye contact, and kindnesses that are given are generally reciprocated. Babies will learn to speak by repeating what they hear.
2. Infants are capable of monitored independent play- Entertaining kids during play encourages their neediness for constant connection. While I like to play games, sometimes I need to get things done in the house while they explore with non-electronic (as much as possible) toys. If babies bring me toys, RIE taught me to acknowledge them and instantly return the toys to say, “thanks for showing me, now off you go."
3. Clear, positive language is necessary to take emotion out of communication- What’s wrong with the word, “no”? Personally, I hate being told no. Likewise, babies respond better to short explanations like, “that’s not safe,” “yes, in 5 minutes,” and “thank you for showing me, let’s do this instead.”
4. Babies train parents as much as parents train babies- Giving praise for positive behavior is a training method well received by anyone, just like patience. Allowing kiddos time, too is often the solution for calming anxieties and encouraging needs to accomplish big goals, like putting the lid back on juice and finishing whatever activity they started previously.
5. The RIE method also works for communicating with teens, and really people of all ages. What does anyone want from those around us?- Positive affirmation, assurance, and encouragement, while also feeling independently sufficient.
As a result of following this method, my kids still want to know what we’re doing next so they can mentally prepare for the day. Suki brings Will blankets and Will cooks Suki breakfast, like he is doing now. They have been doing these things since infancy and have continued to communicate with kindness while giving each other space as needed. When we go to CrossFit together, the pair are so sweet to each other that other gym-goers ask how I taught them to do that. The truth is that their love for one another is an accumulation of long practiced habits established during infancy.
During the time period when I was initially learning the RIE method, I remember having difficulty with feeling increasingly frustrated at times. Giving myself time to calm down and have a cup of tea allowed me to be a better parent because I was training myself as much as I was training the kiddos. While I’d like to think that parenting is all about them, the truth is that we can’t be loving parents if we don’t respect ourselfs as well. Some days, I lay in bed a little longer that what’s acceptable. I sit for lengths of time with puzzles because I love puzzles. Sometimes the kids puzzle with me and sometimes they don’t. I listen to books while I clean because I hate cleaning and dance as much as humanly possible. And when the kids need my fullest attention, I’m there.
To learn more about the RIE method, check out this book (aka the Baby Bible): https://a.co/d/gk625mR
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